chutzpah84's posterous http://chutzpah84.posterous.com Most recent posts at chutzpah84's posterous posterous.com Wed, 16 May 2012 10:49:00 -0700 On absence of emotion http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/on-absence-of-emotion http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/on-absence-of-emotion

There have been times in my life that I have felt no emotion at an event, and felt guilty because deep down I knew I should be feeling something.

Today I got some news that I should have felt emotion about, but didn't. And unusually, I felt no guilt. Even not feeling anything at not feeling guilty hasn't left any lingering guilt.

My gran is terminally ill, but a few months ago I said to someone that I found it hard to feel anything about it because I'd been through so much personal emotion at the start of the year. It's like I'm all "emotioned" out. Maybe that's true here. Maybe because the event is so close to us that it's hard to feel anything other than dispassion.

It's odd because I've received similar news from other people that aren't as close, and felt overjoyed. It's not the event itself, just maybe that we're in such our own personal bubble that it's hard to feel emotion for other family members right now.

I don't know. I'm rambling. And many of you won't have a foggiest what I'm going on about. But that's fine, because I'm not necessarily looking for answer, just jotting stuff down.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sat, 28 Apr 2012 15:43:00 -0700 Moaning cyclists http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/127261905 http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/127261905

I know some car drivers think that us cyclists are a whingy bunch, but we have to take umbrage whenever we see comments like this, because this "I have more right" attitude genuinely leads to people getting hurt, when in fact we're all just humans trying to get somewhere.

Bloody_cyclists

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sat, 14 Apr 2012 01:44:00 -0700 On being sad http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/on-being-sad http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/on-being-sad

Yesterday was six months to the day since we first properly met Sophia. I miss her loads every single day. 

Michael Rosen's "Sad Book" (about the death of his son from meningitis) starts with a picture (drawn by the great Quentin Blake) of him smiling. He says

"This is me being sad. Maybe you think I'm being happy in this picture. Really I'm being sad but pretending I'm being happy. I'm doing that because I think people won't like me if I look sad"

That's the way I often feel. You can't walk around moping all the time, and there are times that I (probably irrationally) worry that I go on about how much I miss her too often, but there truly isn't a day where I don't get sad. The triggers are numerous... If I see a photo, or a young baby, or a toy that she would be old enough to play with now, or something of hers in the house, or Archie, some music that I associate with her for any reason, or something on the TV, or an ambulance, or points of the commute home from work or the drive back into Bath that leads to the hospital.... Sometimes, even something as innocent as my mobile ringing in the office triggers a flashback to the phone call I took to tell me something was wrong.

Life goes on, I still laugh and joke with friends and work colleagues and I still find enjoyment in life. But several times each day I'm sad but keep a smile on my face. The hardest thing to deal with sometimes is knowing that this is state is going to be with me forever.

Thanks to everyone, friends and family, that have supported us this far, and for dealing with me being sad.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Mon, 20 Feb 2012 13:47:00 -0800 Just in case you donated in Sophia's memory, and opted out of email updates http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/just-in-case-you-donated-in-sophias-memory-an http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/just-in-case-you-donated-in-sophias-memory-an

...this is an email that I've just written to the fabulous people that donated. It made me cry, so please forgive the tear stains.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Hi everyone,

We're dropping you a quick note as someone that very kindly made a donation in Sophia's memory, and because you also said that you were happy to receive updates from us.

It is now a month since Sophia's funeral and seven weeks since the terrible day that our daughter left us. We are no closer to understanding what happened, and we have been forewarned that we may never get an answer.

One tragedy of cot death is that it can happen without warning, without a chance to say goodbye, and when it happens you are more often than not unable to be provided with a reason even after a post-mortem. It's something that you NEVER think will happen to you, but once it does you are forever a grieving parent.

We said at the time that words cannot express how we feel, and probably never will. It's safe to say that this is still true.

One crutch of support during this terrible time has been the awesome support we have received from watching the donations come in for both of our nominated charities. We have been absolutely, truly overawed by what you have helped us raise. When we set them up we had no idea that we could raise what we have. As we write this you have helped us raise the following:

Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths - £1343
Great Western Air Ambulance - £1302

That's £2645 altogether. It will never replace our daughter, and we wish dearly that we weren't fundraising in memory of her, but we hope that the funds raised will provide some good from all of this. The FSID, as a beacon of support to families who are going through what we are, providing a voice at the end of the phone and striving to help us get better answers for why this happens to our babies; and the Air Ambulance as a beacon of hope to those in urgent need in a time of emergency.

We could not have raised this without your help. It will always be too late to save Sophia, but we wish with all our hearts that it prevents another family going through the unspeakable pain that is losing a child.

THANK YOU for playing a part in helping us through the darkest period in our lives so far.

Robert, Lucinda and Archie

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:57:00 -0800 Archie playing in the snow http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/archie-playing-in-the-snow http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/archie-playing-in-the-snow

Imag0318

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:21:00 -0800 Some traits change, others stay the same http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/97921338 http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/97921338

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This is Archie and me on the Isle of Wight. Boxing Day 2009. 

The day itself was rather uneventful. We'd headed over for the day with Lu's mum to visit her grandparents. They were spending Christmas on the island with lots of other old folk. The afternoon "activity", as listed on the daily activities board, was "tea and scones". The hotel decor was brown. And yellow. And red. And I remember some light blue too. That gives you an idea of the scene.

After an hour or two, Archie was starting to climb the walls. So us three - Lucie, Archie and me - escaped for a walk. We headed out of the hotel, walked down the road a bit, and walked along this road that looked out to sea.

I remembered Archie wasn't long into walking. He toddled along with us for a bit, and then we managed to get this picture.

And to look at him here, he's changed so much. He was one year and three months here.

But some things have stayed the same. The fringe, the birthmark, that gorgeous cheeky grin. In some ways he's no different.

Pictures like this really do make me think now... which bits of Sophia would have stayed the same? What baby features would she have lost? I'll never know. She was just beginning to develop a cheeky grin of her own, just like her brother's. She was just starting to develop an infectious giggle when you tickled her.

This time next year she'll have been about the same age as Archie in this photo. At the time this photo was taken it was just a random snap in an otherwise forgetful day. But now it has extra resonance. Because we'll never see her at this age.

And I'll tell you what, that is bloody hard... harder than you think.

And it's always at some stupid time like 4.23am that these things play on your mind.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Tue, 10 Jan 2012 11:09:00 -0800 Celebration of Sophia's life http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/celebration-of-sophias-life http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/celebration-of-sophias-life

Our celebration of Sophia's life is to be held on Friday 20th January (2.15pm) at Mendip Crematorium.

All are welcome. Bright colours only please.

No flowers please, instead we request that people consider donating to either one or both of the following charities: Great Western Air Ambulance (who sent a helicopter with doctors on board to our house) and the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths.

There should be a gathering afterwards, the venue for which will be announced in due course.

Crematorium details: http://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/crematoria/index.asp?pageid=20&fd=650

Donations can be made to either charity through the pages we have set up here:

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Tue, 03 Jan 2012 09:46:22 -0800 We are extremely saddened to say that our beautiful daughter Sophia passed away today at eleven weeks old. http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/we-are-extremely-saddened-to-say-that-our-bea http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/we-are-extremely-saddened-to-say-that-our-bea
Words cannot express how we feel, and probably never will. 

Neither Lucinda or myself are religious, however we will say this about the miracle of life.

Life is one of the greatest things that we can think of, it's amazing that we're all on this planet in the first place with no purpose other than to enjoy the tiny speck in time that we are on this rock. Unfortunately we never know how much time we have, but this fact does mean that we treasure all the more our fleeting existence together with the ones we love. We will always treasure that she somehow came into our lives, and every single precious moment that we spent with her.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 04:32:38 -0800 My two kids poking their tongues out at each other http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/my-two-kids-poking-their-tongues-out-at-each http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/my-two-kids-poking-their-tongues-out-at-each
Imag0266

Just a typical Sunday really

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Thu, 15 Dec 2011 07:47:22 -0800 Yummy day after Christmas party lunch http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/yummy-day-after-christmas-party-lunch http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/yummy-day-after-christmas-party-lunch
Imag0261

And don't forget the peppermint tea

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 14:15:00 -0800 My gorgeous daughter http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/my-gorgeous-daughter http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/my-gorgeous-daughter

Pics taken by my wife

Imag0228 Imag0229 Imag0230 Imag0233
See the full gallery on Posterous

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:30:44 -0800 Well that was fun http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/well-that-was-fun http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/well-that-was-fun
Imag0225

Quick wash for the new girl after taking her out for a "quick spin". A couple of minutes quicker than my personal best on one of my favourite routes. Not bad when you consider that I was familiarising myself with the different riding position, the gearing and worst of all the MONSTER head wind

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 20 Nov 2011 01:56:09 -0800 Well this is worth getting up for.... http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/well-this-is-worth-getting-up-for http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/well-this-is-worth-getting-up-for
Imag0197

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:59:05 -0800 A bit of a frustrating day at work, but at least I've got this at home http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/a-bit-of-a-frustrating-day-at-work-but-at-lea http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/a-bit-of-a-frustrating-day-at-work-but-at-lea
Imag0191

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:53:41 -0700 Walked into the living room to find Archie in this pose. Awesome http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/walked-into-the-living-room-to-find-archie-in http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/walked-into-the-living-room-to-find-archie-in
Imag0167

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 30 Oct 2011 14:09:56 -0700 I apologise in advance to the NHS http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/i-apologise-in-advance-to-the-nhs http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/i-apologise-in-advance-to-the-nhs
Imag0155

Lucie's ridiculously chocolatey cake, ready for her birthday 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:43:21 -0700 Back to work tomorrow, so this will definitely be the wallpaper on my work laptop http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/back-to-work-tomorrow-so-this-will-definitely http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/back-to-work-tomorrow-so-this-will-definitely
100_1098

My awesome family.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sun, 23 Oct 2011 04:25:33 -0700 One day I'll get around to putting the bloody spice rack in alphabetical order. Can't find a thing at the moment http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/one-day-ill-get-around-to-putting-the-bloody http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/one-day-ill-get-around-to-putting-the-bloody
Imag0144

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sat, 08 Oct 2011 09:03:00 -0700 Walk in the woods http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/walk-in-the-woods http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/walk-in-the-woods

Since it's autumn, the leaves are falling off the trees and we need to try and kick start labour we went for a walk in the woods. Here's some highlights. The picture quality isn't great because I think that Archie has had grubby fingers on my phone camera lens one too many times.

1

Archie found loads of acorns and oak leaves. Here's one of his more impressive hauls.

2

An extremely pregnant lady....

3

And here's Archie and me, with the little man proudly showing off one of the sticks he found.

4

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84 Sat, 17 Sep 2011 09:51:14 -0700 Archie loves bubbles http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/archie-loves-bubbles http://chutzpah84.posterous.com/archie-loves-bubbles
VIDEO0002.3gp Watch on Posterous

"Got it!"

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/830401/ProfilePic2.jpg http://posterous.com/users/Z2Nsgjwu2uB chutzpah84 chutzpah84